Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.