Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.