I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Anyone really
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.