I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
the red hot silly peppers
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.