I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken