Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship