I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Not all heroes wear capes….
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
the council will decide your fate
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms