I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
