Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what