Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.