Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

ㅤㅤ

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.