I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
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necessity is the mother of invention
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Hitlers gonna hitl
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”