Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

awkward

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

mumsnet is amazing

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

I’m the neighbor

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?