I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
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Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.