I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Taliband
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”