I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist