I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I put the mess in domestic.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?