Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Shoutout to people making lists with things already done just so they have something to cross off.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.