@rolldiggity

I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.

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@daemonic3

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

@meganamram

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

@KentWGraham

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

@Marlebean

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@Lhlodder

Shoutout to people making lists with things already done just so they have something to cross off.

@geowizzacist

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

@JustEnduring

WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.