I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
oh u like geography? name every lake
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go