I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.