I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
put ‘er there pardner!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here