I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it