Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

I’d hang this in my house.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

🐦

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.