I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.