I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture