Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.