I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.