I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]