I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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I’m not lazy
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!