I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
zone out
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My favorite farside!!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.