Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery