I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??