Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.