I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Bobby pin
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.