I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
some cats are just doing for fun!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.