Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

“Great, now I have to pee.”

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

I had to Stop for this

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.