I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
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Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
how DARE
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot