I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
set yourself free xox
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas