I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Voodoo map
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
sistine chapel
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff