I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.