I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.