I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
😭😭
