I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My plans: 2020:
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .