Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

and now we wait

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

is this store having a stroke wtf

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby