Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I might give this a try 😏

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

🤣🤣🤣

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Facebook memories be like

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back