@seamusmckracken

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

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@remmarg_yelsel

I’d definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people’s Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.

@Bob_Janke

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

@BoomBoomBetty

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

@JodingersCat

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

@leyawn

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

@Adar79Angie

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

@bonehugsnirony

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@QwertyJones3

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word