I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.