I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
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Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Spell check is for lasers.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.