Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.