Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

is nasa ok

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”