Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.