Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

i love meeting boys on tinder

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.