Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

I think the cat got the dog high.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

This January has 47 Mondays

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

me, after any kind of buffet.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon