Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.