Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan