I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.