I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.