Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂