I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
![]()
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
![]()
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
![]()
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.