Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

and now we wait

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?