I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
🐟✨ #re4
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story