Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.