I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Got kicked out of a performance of Cats because I kept saying “ooh biiiiig stretch”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
what kind of cook setting is this??
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: