Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.