Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

That’s no pocket rocket.

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

sliding into dms like

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.