I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Buying a well is money well spent.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second