Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

when the buffet is more honest than your date

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

No laws when master is gone

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings