I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”