I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”