I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.