Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why font matters.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

How is it still this week?

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.