Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.