I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day