Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Nose

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.