I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.