I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
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[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
(Gaming support cat.)
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.