I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*