I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
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Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My neck, my back, my…
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?